Taiyaun Walmart

Our guide and our driver picked us up and we headed to Walmart. We are in a very busy city with lots of traffic and no real pattern or rules to driving. It is a free for all of cars, trucks, bikes, scooters and pedestrians. It is terrifying to watch so we try to not pay too much attention and laugh at the number of close calls you see. They literally ride bumper to bumper and along side each other with less than six inches to spare. It is amazing we haven't seen a fender bender or someone get side-swiped, not to mention a pedestrian or bicyclist get hit. We saw a mother with two toddlers on a scooter earlier. The younger one was standing between the mother's legs and the older one was sitting on the bike holding on tight. We laughed as we pictured me trying to do that with Livi and Isla who are three and almost two. It would be a disaster but this family was doing fine. We pulled in to a underground parking garage with the same bumper to bumper traffic in a dark, confined underground space. They dropped us off and we headed up an escalator. There was no sign out front or in the garage indicating we were at Walmart. We rode an escalator up and suddenly there we were in the Walmart lobby where you get your cart. It was very crowded and people and carts were everywhere. Apparently everyone here goes shopping on Sunday afternoon so we picked the busiest time to go. There were employees handing out samples of products and advertising their items, a whole row of live fish and seafood to purchase and eat and plenty of dead animal parts all in open displays. It was interesting to see all the meat, poultry and miscellaneous animal parts all in open displays on ice rather than in individual, sealed packages.

A bunch of smoked meats. They were very fragrant.

Pig's feet

Eels, I think (or some other long skinny, flat fish)

Live crabs (My girls would have liked this. We always have to stop and see the lobsters in the grocery. These were open so you could have reached right in)

We had a very difficult time finding peanut butter although I had heard from several people it would be easy to find here. Our guide had no idea what we are talking about and when we described spreading it on bread and eating it as a sandwich we were led across the store to the butter, as well as the mayo. She kept asking different employees and were searched the entire store before one employee told us they were sold out. I never even saw a section that was a logical place to put peanut butter so I didn't believe them and continued on our search. You would assume you may find it with jelly, honey or condiments or near the bread. Nope. I eventually found a few jars of Peter Pan peanut butter in a separate, small section that included imported items (I am a Jif fan but we will take what we can get). Thank goodness we found it and will be able to eat peanut butter sandwiches in the room when we get desperate. 

We also found all of these board books and flash cards which are written in English, as well as Chinese and pinyin. I think they were only a dollar or two each. I am so excited to have these to take home for all three girls to enjoy (Sorry about the sideways picture). 

We successfully found American brand diapers and wipes although guessing a diaper size was tricky because although they are Pampers diapers the weight is written in kg. Let's hope or rough kg to lb. conversion is correct and the diapers are the right size for Hadley.

We are ready. I have packed our Gotcha day bag and we will meet Hadley on Monday at 2:30pm China time which will be Monday at 1:30am Kentucky time. Check back for pictures of our sweet girl in our arms soon!

Our Journey to China (Sit down and get comfortable, it's a long one!)

Fortunately, I woke up an hour before our alarm was supposed to go off early Friday morning to check the flight status. Due to severe weather across the country I knew a lot of flights were being canceled or delayed. My heart sank as I read online that our flight from Louisville to Chicago was cancelled. It was a little after 4am at this point and I quickly called United to get on another flight out of Louisville so we could make our long flight from Chicago to Beijing that left at noon. When I finally got past all of the stupid voice prompts and was connected to an agent the recording said there was a 55 minute wait to talk to a person! We started to panic. If there was not another flight out of Louisville soon we decided we would attempt to drive to Chicago. If we had to wait 55 minutes to find out if there was an available flight we would not have enough time to make the drive to Chicago. I quickly searched the internet and found an American Airlines flight that left Louisville in a few hours and would have us in Chicago on time for our connecting flight and it appeared that it was on time and not canceled as the majority of flights seemed to be. Now the problem was I wanted United to get us on the flight so we didn't have to pay for additional tickets, although I was ready to pay if that is what it came to. We decided our best bet was to head to the airport ASAP so we could get it taken care of there. I managed to eventually get through with American Airlines and get two seats reserved. On our other phone we were still waiting to be connected with United. After about 40 minutes they finally answered. I explained the situation and asked them to book the American flight for me. She put me on hold and I was disconnected! I might have started to cry at this point. I can't remember. By now we had the car loaded and headed out to the airport. Thanks to my dad who was woken up by my frantic phone call around 4:30am and got us to the airport a little after 5am. We owe you one Pops!

At the airport we were booked on the American flight no questions asked and the plane was there and scheduled to leave on time. Our flight to Chicago was uneventful and we were there with plenty of time to spare. We had a very long walk from our arrival gate to our departure gate which was a nice bit of exercise before our very long flight (we walked so far we passed 7 Starbucks in the Chicago airport). We of course were distracted by a giant, life-size brontosaurus skeleton and walked about 15 minutes down the wrong concourse. When we finally got to our gate we met another family, the Rentmeesters, who we knew through our Facebook adoption group that were on our same flight. Dawn Rentmeester, Aaron and I decided we deserved a Bloody Mary to cheers to our journey at the airport bar. They were very spicy!

The flight was not fun. We struggled. I really struggled! About 8 hours in I was totally ready to be done and we still had another 6-7 hours. The food was not good so we were hungry and I started getting very nauseous. I was so tired and tried to sleep but every time I dosed off I woke myself back up. Despite my eye mask, comfy neck pillow and relaxing music, we both were unable to sleep. Aaron never fell asleep and I may have slept for a total of 30 minutes. We watched lots of movies and found a few interesting people to talk to at the back of the plane while stretching and using the bathroom. I am not looking forward to doing that again in a couple of weeks with a baby on my lap the entire 15+ hours.

We finally made it to Beijing around 4:00pm their time (3:00am Louisville time-been awake about 24 hours at this point). We exited the plane and headed towards the immigration line. I wish I could explain the immigration line in the Beijing airport. It was just a swarm of hundreds (maybe thousands) of people with no formal lines formed to the multiple counters. You just jumped into the massive crowd and pushed your way toward the counter where lines sort of formed. There were no ropes organizing it, it was just a free for all. We eventually made it through and boarded the train to the other terminal. We got off the train and decided were were in the wrong place. We talked two airport employees (they spoke no English, we spoke no Chinese so you can only imagine how that went) into letting us back on the train to go back where we thought we needed to go. We headed toward our next gate to catch our next flight and after navigating there for about 20 minutes we found out we were in the wrong place and needed to go back where the train originally dropped us off to get our boarding passes for our next flight. It took about 45 minutes to finally figure out where we needed to be. The airport is very confusing and hard to get around. You have to take a train among the terminal but if you have a connecting flight it is very involved. We finally figured out we needed to go claim our luggage, have our luggage x-rayed, go to the ticket counter, have new boarding passes printed, recheck our luggage (thankfully under the 44 lb. limit) and then go through security again. We walked through the x-ray scanner, put our carry on through and their received a thorough wanding and pat down. They left no parts unchecked! Then what I dreaded this whole time may happen, happened. Our carryon with A LOT of medication was flagged and opened. They had to check all of the liquid medication. Fortunately she only made us open a handful of bottles and left some still sealed. I probably had 15 different liquid medications/creams and they let them all through. I was scared to death they would confiscate something I would need. By the way, the trashcan next to the bag check point was smoking. Aaron made me walk far away in case of explosion. They security guards didn't seem too concerned so i guess it was not a major threat. After weaving through a long maze of escalators, elevators, hallways, and a bus ride, we finally made it to our gate. Let me mention we were so hungry and thirsty through this 3 hour process but had no water, and no Chinese money to buy any. Bottled water is also very hard to find in the airport. They do not have a lot of newsstand/convenience stores like we have in our airports. We finally found a Starbucks down a long, dark, deserted terminal that was open and took credit cards! I was overjoyed! They also had sandwiches. I ordered a turkey sandwich and a bottle of water and we headed toward our gate. I sat down and scarfed down half of my sandwich before thinking about the lettuce and tomato on it. We are not supposed to eat fresh fruits and veggies that have been washed in the water. I panicked and threw away the rest of that delicious sandwich. I think I cried again at this point. (I haven't gotten sick yet so hopefully I am in the clear.) We boarded our flight to Taiyuan at 7:30 pm Beijing time (6:30 am Louisville time and still had not eaten or slept). We were the only Americans on the flight and have not seen another American (or anyone non-Chinese) since arriving in Taiyuan 13 hours ago.

After an hour flight we arrived in Taiyuan and were greeted by our lovely guide Maggie. We got our bags and took a van ride to the hotel about 20 minutes from the airport. Maggie walked us in and got us checked in and settled in our room. It is good she helped check us in because very few people at the hotel speak English and the 2-3 people who do, aren't fluent. The hotel is very nice, our room is lovely, but it is very hot. Our room was 80 degrees last night when we walked in. The thermostat doesn't seem to work, but after about an hour we discovered our windows open. (You wouldn't find that on the sixteenth floor in the US). We were starving and decided we would eat and then go to bed (we had been up about 30 hours at this point). We decided room service was the way too go and it was very reasonably priced. We tried to call for room service but couldn't figure out what number to call. We tried several and couldn't get any one who spoke English so we decided we would have better luck if walked down to the front desk. We eventually were able to play Charades with the desk staff and they knew what we were looking for. I don't think that people in this hotel do room service. They were so confused about us wanting to eat in our room and not sitting down in the restaurant. We ordered a couple of dishes that involved noodles and rice but didn't know exactly what we had ordered. They brought the food to our room a bit later and the guy who delivered it wanted us to pay for it. We only had US cash and credit cards and he wouldn't accept either. We asked to charge it to the room but they couldn't do that either. He left very confused and a few minutes later we got a phone call from the woman at the front desk who sort of speaks English. She told Aaron we needed to exchange money in the morning and then go to the hotel restaurant to "right our wrong". We were ashamed of ourselves but enjoyed our dinner none the less. The fried rice had shrimp and ham in it but was surprisingly good and the noodles had chicken and were very good! We had one bottle of water each that the hotel provided in the room and drank it sparingly with dinner so it would last us the night (and for brushing our teeth). We took showers and went to bed around midnight.

We slept a solid 8 hours and awoke feeling great. We called home and checked in, watched an episode of Breaking Bad on the computer and then leisurely made our way to breakfast. We walked in to the elaborate breakfast buffet and were told is ended at 10am. It was 10:20 at this point. I was not happy about missing this buffet which I have heard so much about but was more concerned with how thirsty we both were. We had our one bottle of water last night but were really dehydrated and thirsty by this time. We were counting on more bottled water at breakfast. We decided we would venture out of the hotel to exchange money and go in search of water. The front desk staff pointed us in the direction of the bank across the street and down several blocks where we needed to go. We headed out and began a game of Frogger dodging car, trucks, bikes, and motor scooters across 8 lanes of fast moving traffic. The Chinese just run across and stand in the road as cars zoom past them. I am not talking the center median, they stand in the middle of the four lanes on the dotted lines and cars merge and zoom around them. We eventually ran across and walked into the bank only to find out we needed our passports to exchange money. We headed back to the hotel across 8 lanes of traffic to get our passports. We eventually made it back over to the bank and spent about 30 minutes while we attempted to fill out papers and exchange money. I was getting nauseous again and had to sit down while Aaron and the bank teller tried to exchange money with very little verbal communication. We didn't realize how few people who speak English or what a challenge it would be to find food and water. We joked that were were on a survivor reality show trying to find food and water in the wilderness. I have never felt so lost and helpless when all we wanted was clean water and anything to eat. This experience made me realize how fortunate we are to have clean drinking water and food so accessible when a lot of the world does not. We finally got some Chinese money after a careful examination of Aaron's passport and visa (several bank staff probably examined it for 15 minutes). We asked the man at the bank where we could buy water and he didn't understand. We passed several shops on our walk to the bank and knew where to buy used tires or a mop and bucket but didn't see any convenience stores. He though we wanted a glass of water and sent the bank security guard to the back to bring us a cup of water. Thank you sir but that is not what we wanted. He finally figured out we wanted to buy water and told us 15 meters down the street. I have never been as happy then when we finally found bottled water. We bought the biggest ones they had and left with huge smiles on our faces. We walked around a bit and found a small grocery store and headed in to check it out. An old man saw us carrying our giant water bottles and wouldn't let us in the store with them. We were quickly shooed out the door. We were clearly not giving them up and left but plan to head back there later to check it out. Back in the room we laughed about our struggle to survive and enjoyed a bag of nuts and a protein bar. Thank goodness I packed a few snacks. We are thinking of venturing out in search of lunch soon and then meet our guide to go to Walmart at 3pm to get diapers, etc. You better believe we will be stockpiling bottled water from Walmart. That should be another exciting adventure which I will blog about later.

On a side note, Aaron is watching TV right now. We only have one station with English sub titles so he is watching a very interesting special on dams.

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

We officially leave the house in about 13 hours. All our bags are packed and we are ready to go. I have vacuumed, stocked the fridge and freezer (as well as the paper towels and toilet paper), finished my 15+ page binder for our parents with very detailed instructions about an situation that could arise, and organized a detailed calendar including who will bring dinner what night and who will take the girls to school what day. I am proud to say that my bags are about four pounds each under the official 44 lb. weight limit for our in-country flights in China. As I mentioned in a previous post I am an over packer, especially due to my nerves of leaving my girls to go to a foreign country to pick up a toddler whom I don't yet know but love very much. It has led to a lot of overpacking. Aaron and my clothes take up a very small percentage of the overall weight of our two suitcases and two carry-ons. The remaining weight is made up of an assortment of unlimited baby supplies and medications of every variety.

We are expecting a bit of snow this afternoon and early this evening and Chicago is as well. I am really hoping we do not run into any issues with our flights leaving Kentucky or Chicago early tomorrow morning.    

We would appreciate prayers and well wishes for a safe, uneventful flight and for our sweet Hadley who is about to experience another drastic change that she will not understand. I pray her foster family has loved her and taken good care of her to prepare her to experience the love of a mama, baba (dada in Chinese), and two big sisters who are so excited to meet her! Hadley Hope ChenTing Higginbotham, we look forward to meeting you in four days and welcoming you into a wonderful circle of people we are honored to call our family and friends. We couldn't have done this without everyone's love, support and prayers and appreciate all you all are doing back on the U.S. side to take care of Livi and Isla while we are gone. We can't wait for you all to meet Hadley!




                                            Proud big sisters sporting their adoption t-shirts!

A Letter for our Family and Friends about Welcoming Hadley Home

Dear Family and Friends,

We are so excited that you are a part of our lives and will become a part of Hadley’s life very soon! We are sending this letter to answer some questions and provide information that we feel is very important for you to know.

Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in the typical attachment process. The loss of a biological mother at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts. The good news is that we can now, as Hadley’s parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help her heal from these emotional wounds. When Hadley comes home, she will be overwhelmed. Everything around her will be new and she will need to learn not just about her new environment, but also about love and family. She has not experienced God’s design for a family in an orphanage setting. The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed her. As this repeats between us, she will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once Hadley starts to establish this important bond, she will then be able to branch out to other, healthy relationships.

Hadley will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Please know that these decisions are thoughtfully made choices based on immense amounts of research and training in the area of attachment and bonding and instruction from trusted adoption mentors. We will be doing what we believe is best to help her heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. Why are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our Hadley settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:

For those first few weeks or months home, we will be the only ones to hold her, give her food and drinks, and meet all of her physical and emotional needs. We will not allow anyone to babysit or watch her, not even for a few hours, for a while. She has had many caregivers in her life and it will take some time for her to become secure in the fact that we’re not going anywhere! We know how hard it will be for you in the beginning to not hug and hold her, give her food, or offer her a drink. We understand that you have waited and anticipated her arrival as much as we have, but we promise you that the reward will be great! Once she is securely attached to us, she will be able to give love to and receive love from all the other very important people in her life. How long this happens will depend on how quickly she adjusts and attaches (could be anywhere from a few weeks to many months).

You may see Hadley and think she is so friendly and adaptable and adjusting so well because she will happily go to anyone. This is actually a survival mechanism that children in orphanages pick up. They learn to be charming and cute towards adults to have their needs met and get what they want. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone – which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. We want her to turn to us when she is hurt, hungry, tired or sad, not just the closest adult around. Until she has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct her to us if you see that she is seeking out food, affection or comfort. In time, when she understands we are “her people” you will be encouraged to give out plenty of hugs, kisses and snuggles.

You may also notice that we parent her differently than we parent Olivia and Isla. It will probably look like we are babying and spoiling her. This is another way to build attachment. In the first several months of a baby’s life, you say “yes” to all of their demands. Yes, I will feed you…yes, I will change your diaper...yes, I will help you fall asleep. Without going overboard, we will be saying yes to as many things as possible so that she knows that she can trust us to meet her needs. We may also feed her a bottle, let her sleep in our bed, and in general, treat her like an infant. Even though she is almost one and a half, she has not had the opportunity to have the individual attention and eye contact that babies need so it is recommended that we continue to bottle feed, hold her (or wear her in the carrier), sleep with her, etc. to help her form an attachment and know we are there for her. There is a good chance that she will be strapped to me in the carrier for many months while we are out and around other people until she is comfortable and secure in her new environment. While these are things that I would not have done with Olivia and Isla at this age, it is appropriate and recommended in this situation. We thought it was important for you to know that there is a method to our parenting madness and we are not just babying or spoiling her.

This does not mean we do not want visitors or we want to be left alone. Actually the opposite is true. Please feel free to call and email regularly. I do not want to feel like a shut in, cut off from the outside world. I will be stuck at home with three little girls in the middle of winter and I would love some company. We would love for you to visit, bring food, take Olivia and Isla out to play or do something special, however, we ask that you call first and check that it is an appropriate time. We will also try to avoid large groups, crowds, and noisy situations as to not overwhelm Hadley.

Please don’t be afraid to ask question; we are not offended by the questions, but just know we might not give you the answer you expected or wanted to hear.

We want to thank you for the love and support you have already given all of us. We couldn’t ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our precious Hadley. From what we have already learned about the fact that she is in foster care, rather than an orphanage, we are optimistic about her ability to adjust and attach quickly to our family. We’d love it if you’d pray for her heart as she learns to trust and love us in return.

Please take a few minutes to read the attached article from the blog of another adoptive mom. I think she does a wonderful job clearing up and explaining some common misconceptions and thoughts about adoption.

Love, Katy and Aaron

Supporting and Understanding the Adoptive Family

Our children are not necessarily grateful to have been adopted. 
And we don't expect them to be. It is not that our kids don't notice the stability of a family. It's not that they don't cherish the love that they are receiving or that they don't like their new life. It is because children are programmed to need, want and expect love. When we provide it we are not heroes, we are simply meeting one of their very basic needs. Expecting adopted children to be grateful for being adopted is like expecting our biological children to be grateful for being conceived. It was a choice that we, their parents, made and that they were brought into. 

Please don't feed my kids. 
For children who have known hunger, food means love. We want them to learn to love us, their parents and siblings, before they bond with extended family, neighbors and friends. I know that they stare longingly at anything edible. I know that our two year old puts his head on the table and looks at you with puppy dog eyes. But since we were not there to meet their early needs (breast or bottle feeding, comforting them when they were sick, changing diapers, kissing boo boos) we need to make up for it by meeting as many of their physical and emotional needs as possible now. Many adopted children also have food insecurities. Some eat until they vomit and then start eating again. Others hoard food, needing the comfort of knowing that there is some saved for later. It is best to leave all feeding to the parents unless specifically directed otherwise.

Parenting an adopted child is hard work and we struggle.  
We may tell you that were okay when we're really falling apart. We're worried that if we are honest about how difficult it is that you won't understand and that you'll think we're nuts. Adding a child who may or may not have anything in common with us socially, culturally, biologically or even personality-wise is challenging. Though undoubtedly beautiful and worth all of the struggles, adoption certainly isn't always easy or pretty.

It is greatly appreciated if you choose your wording carefully, especially around our children. 
Yes, these are all our "real" kids (though sometimes it would be nice if all of my kids, adopted and biological, had "off" switches) and, in most situations, you probably do not need to specify whether you are talking about my "adopted kids" or my "biological kids". They are all my kids even if they joined us through different paths.

If you'd like to offer support (meal, help with house cleaning, etc) when an adopted child joins the family,  please do even if we don't reach out and ask.
Many of us won't specifically ask for help or tell you what we need. However, I don't know a single adoptive mom who would turn down an offer to have a group of friends tidy/clean her house during those first few weeks at home with a new child. Likewise, coffee and chocolate are most always welcome and might be exactly what a new adoptive mom needs to get through those challenging times of adjustment!

Please don't try to get our child to like you the most.
Attachment and bonding are challenging enough without having friends and family slip our children candy, shower them with gifts, offer seconds at meals or encouraging bending and stretching of family rules. We're already working our tails off to get them to like us. With consistency and time they will learn to like you too, I promise.

Our adopted children had lives before they joined our family. 
They had/have birth families and other relatives who are important to them and who deserve recognition and credit too. They have had life experiences that, while sometimes different than ours, are still special and valuable.

Be considerate of the types of questions that you ask about our child's background and personal history, especially in their presence and especially if they are old enough to understand.
Would it offend you if someone asked if you have AIDS, if you were abandoned, if your parents were drug users or how your parents died? If so, best not to ask these questions to someone else. We understand that it is normal to be curious and to wonder about the circumstances that led to a child's adoption. However, these are things that we discuss openly in our immediate family but not elsewhere. Our children may or may not choose to divulge more of their personal stories someday when they are older but they are THEIR stories and details to share, not mine.

Sometimes adopted children need to be parented differently than biological children. 
We are not spoiling them. We aren't making excuses for poor behavior. Rather, we are parenting a child whose background may be very dissimilar to anything we've experienced. A child who has been abandoned and who has a fear of abandonment shouldn't be sent to time out alone in another room. A child who is still attaching to their adoptive family may need to be firmly held while having loving, affirming words whispered into their ear during a full-blown tantrum. The types of consequences that work for other children might not work for a child who doesn't have the same sense of value of their possessions and who doesn't understand what it means to have privileges. As parents, we must be flexible to help meet the individual needs of our child even if it means that we do things a little differently sometimes.

If you would like to give a gift to our new child, please consider something small that the whole family can enjoy together.
A few ideas are a frozen meal, a gift card to the movies, a small ornament commemorating the adoption or art supplies for all of the kids to share. We know that you want to welcome our new additions but gifts can be overwhelming for children who have had few material possessions. Also, we want our children to learn to love you for who you are, not for the fact that they hope they'll get another gift the next time they see you again. Other siblings may also experience jealousy and resentment if the new addition suddenly receives an armory of gifts and they are excluded.

Attachment takes time and work.
It doesn't happen overnight. Even if it appears that our child is securely attached to us it may take many months or years and every child and every family bonds differently. Many times we're faking it until we make it but one day we will wake up and realize that we're not faking it anymore and that our love is deep and real.

Parents who have recently added a child through adoption need support, friendship, love and encouragement.
Even if we're somewhat withdrawn and spending a lot of time at home cocooning with our new addition we value our friendships. Please continue to check up on us and to email, text, call or stop by. If you were in our life before we still want you in our life and in the lives of our children! 

Please refrain from commenting on our child's appearance (specifically relating to ethnicity/race) in front of him or her.
All children want to feel included and to fit in. Pointing out how dark they are, how differently they look from the rest of us or how unique their hair feels only makes them feel like they stand out more.

Please do not ask adopted children if they like their new parents/family.
Adopted children do not usually get to hand pick their family. Adoption is similar to an arranged marriage and unique, sometimes very different people are brought together. With hard work and patience true love may grow. However, ask ANY child, biological or adopted (especially any older child!) if they like their parents and be prepared for some interesting answers!

It takes time to help children start to heal from a difficult past.
Just because they have been with us for a certain amount of time does not mean that the are "fixed". On the other hand, just because children are adopted does not necessarily mean that they will be any more difficult, defiant, less successful or anything else as teenagers or adults.

Educating your children about adoption and diversity helps my children. 
Talking openly about adoption, children who look different than one or both parents and other "nontraditional" family structures helps our children feel accepted and secure at extracurricular activities, church, school and elsewhere in our community.

Our new additions are not celebrities. 
We appreciate all of the love and support that we were shown during our adoption process and we know that everyone is excited to meet them. However, taking photos of just our adopted child or pouring attention on them while ignoring our other children is not healthy for anyone. The child who is receiving all of the attention often feels singled out and siblings quickly become resentful. 

Our children may be "delayed" when they join our family but often they just need time.  
Adopted children are placed into environments that may be very different than anything they've ever experienced. They may be overstimulated, confused and sometimes there are language barriers. With time and patience most emotional, intellectual and physical delays will be overcome. 

Please do not tell us how amazing we (parents) are because we have chosen to adopt. 
We know that this comment is usually intended as a compliment but our adopted kids are not burdens, charity cases or a community service project to be completed.  As parents we gladly invest the time and energy needed to ensure the happiness and well-being of any of our children. 

We may discourage physical contact with our child for the first several months that they are home or until we feel like they are securely attached to us.
Please do not insist on holding them, hugging them or having them sit on your lap. Many children who have lived in orphanages and institutions learn to fight for adult attention. Often they can put on quite the show and act like the most friendly, charming child to draw attention to themselves. While it may be cute and though it gives the false impression that they are well-adjusted and confident, it is very important that initially the parents are the only adults who help fulfill these children's need for physical affection. This also teaches healthy boundaries and is a safety consideration since no child, adopted or biological, should feel obligated to have close physical contact with someone that they do not know well.

We do not advertise our child's "cost".
If you would like to know how expensive our adoption process was, please ask when our children are not present, call after our kids are in bed or send us an email. Most adoptive families are happy to share our experiences and to provide helpful information but we do not ever want our children to feel like they were bought or that they are commodities. 

When the going gets tough please do not ask if we regret our decision to adopt or imply that "we asked for it". 
Few people would tell a sleep-deprived mother of a colicky newborn "well, you asked for this" and it would be considered rude to ask a new mother if she regretted her decision to have a baby. Just because something is difficult does not mean that we regret it. There are bumps in the road of every journey.

Even the happiest of adoptions are a result of challenging or difficult circumstances. 
Though we like to think of adoption as a "happy ending", birth parents may have made difficult decisions, children may have faced losses and many lives were forever changed. Though most adopted children grow to be happy, well-adjusted adults and though most adoptive families are beautiful and full of love, it is important not to romanticize adoption. 

And, most importantly:

No one is perfect.
If you slip and call our biological kids our "real" kids or if you've already asked "What happened to his mother?" we won't hold a grudge. We know that our family is different. We understand that it is impossible to be sensitive and politically correct in every situation all the time. These are ideas and suggestions, not commandments.

We appreciate that you care about our family. We cannot thank you enough for wanting to learn more about supporting and understanding the adoptive family and for helping make this transition as smooth as possible for all of us!

If you would like to read more about supporting adoptive families, adjustment and how you can help, "After the Airport" is a great blog post.  "I am not Super Mom: Ten things I want you to know about adoption" is another good read.

Article shared from another mom's blog:

The Kitchen is Not My Office

December 22, 2012

http://www.thekitchenisnotmyoffice.com/2012/12/supporting-and-understanding-adoptive.html

It's Been a Crazy Few Days

Our Article 5 paperwork was picked up on schedule last Tuesday, Dec. 3 and sent to Beijing to the China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption (CCCWA). This began our TA (Travel Approval) wait. The TA wait is usually 10-21 days with 16 being the average lately. This past Tuesday I saw a few fellow adoptive mom's in my Facebook group had received their TA and their Article 5s were picked up the same day as ours. I was shocked and excited and emailed our social worker right away to check on ours.  A while later my cell phone rang and caller ID said it was Birmingham, AL. Over the last few months I get butterfly's in my stomach every time my caller ID says Birmingham, AL. Our adoption agency's main office is located there. They have a local branch here in Louisville, which is so convenient and part of the reason we chose them as our agency. Our social worker Sarah only calls with good or bad news. She usually emails if it is just a question about paperwork or something. Anyway, when I saw caller ID I couldn't believe it! I quickly answered and Sarah told me we had received our TA! It had been only one week after we began our TA wait which I was hoping and praying would be closer to 14-16 days rather than the 20+ days some families are waiting. Who ever expected to get it in 7 days? She explained that we had the option to leave the following week and pick Hadley up Dec. 23. This meant we would be gone of Christmas, but we decided we would celebrate early and the girl's wouldn't really know the difference. Although I have already begun packing and preparing to leave the girls with family for two weeks, I was overwhelmed at the thought of leaving in 10 days. I didn't know what to do or where to begin so I did dishes and cleaned the kitchen. I finally got it together and called a travel agent that everyone in the adoption community raves about. He quoted some prices and it was not pretty. It was more that twice what we thought we would be paying for airline tickets. Apparently the few weeks leading up to Christmas are the most expensive time of the year to fly. He was even shocked by the prices. He explained if we could go a couple weeks later it would drop significantly so we decided to look into that. After talking with our agency and their contacts in China it was decided that would not work. There were closures in China the second week of January which wouldn't allow that plan to work. That pushed us back another week to our original plan we have had for months of leaving Jan. 3. Although we had a very short TA wait, we were still leaving the day we were originally planning on leaving. Flights ended up being even a little cheaper that week so it worked out for the best. I am praying for our sweet Hadley and hoping that she is being loved and well cared for and another couple of weeks ultimately won't make much of a difference. 

So the plan is we will leave on Jan. 3, have our Gotcha Day (the day you get your child) on Monday, Jan. 6 and come home on Thursday, January 16. Although I would have loved to pick Hadley up sooner this plan will work better for everyone. We have time to pack and organize the girls and house, get to celebrate Christmas with the family and hopefully wrap up the majority of our attic renovation before leaving the first week of January. 

I like having dates confirmed and airline tickets booked. Two very big things knocked off of my growing to-do list and about a million small things left. Up next, pick paint colors for the girl's new rooms, beg the pediatrician for prescriptions (I have been avoiding this one), try to unpack some of the million things I have packed to keep us under the 44 lb. weight limit, call the credit card and cell phone companies, buy baby Melatonin, cook meals to freeze, stock up on food and paper products to have on hand for the girls and our parents, etc, etc, etc. (On a side note, the last two times I have been in nesting mode while pregnant with the girls I always panic when the time is coming and insist on stockpiling paper towels, toilet paper and garbage bags. I have some weird phobia about my family running out of these things while I am gone or us coming home with a newborn/or in this case new toddler and running out of paper towels. Heaven forbid we have to drive to the store that is literally two minutes away and grab a roll. I will be stocked up for months just in case!) I think it is a control issue and one small thing I am able to control while the rest of my life feels so hectic. Our hands will be dry and our trash will be bagged, no need to worry about that! 

Sweet Hadley's Finding Ad

I was so excited to receive Hadley's finding ad in the mail today. When a baby is abandoned in China they publish an ad in the paper with a picture, a brief description of where the baby was found and the child's suspected birthday. Here is our sweet girl as a newborn. She is so cute!!

We are officially waiting on Travel Approval!!!

I woke up to an email from China that our Article 5 (a bunch of paperwork that is at the US Consulate in China) has been picked up and is on its way to the CCCWA (China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption). They will issue us our TA (travel approval) in the next 2-3 weeks and then within 48 hours we will have our consulate appointment (CA) scheduled where we will complete the US side of the adoption in Guanghouz the second week we are in China. Once we have our TA and CA scheduled we can book plane tickets and hotel rooms and leave for China. I can't believe that this long process that we started almost 15 months ago is coming to its end. Then the real fun and adventure will begin! Everyone prayer that our TA comes quickly and we are able to finalize plans before Christmas. I am worried that our adoption agency will be closed for the holidays and we will be set back a few days which would set us back another week or worse if we start to run into Chinese New Year which starts mid January. 

So as travel is quickly approaching I better start checking some things off my extensive to do list. First task at hand, beg our pediatrician for presciptions to take with us just in case. Up next, continue my extensive packing while avoiding drywall dust and two busy little girls, choosing paint colors, finish Christmas shopping, not to mention a quick trip to the chiroprator and dentist to get myself put back together before this trip happens. I think this will be a busy whirlwind the next few weeks around our house! Yikes!!