A Letter for our Family and Friends about Welcoming Hadley Home

Dear Family and Friends,

We are so excited that you are a part of our lives and will become a part of Hadley’s life very soon! We are sending this letter to answer some questions and provide information that we feel is very important for you to know.

Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in the typical attachment process. The loss of a biological mother at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts. The good news is that we can now, as Hadley’s parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help her heal from these emotional wounds. When Hadley comes home, she will be overwhelmed. Everything around her will be new and she will need to learn not just about her new environment, but also about love and family. She has not experienced God’s design for a family in an orphanage setting. The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed her. As this repeats between us, she will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once Hadley starts to establish this important bond, she will then be able to branch out to other, healthy relationships.

Hadley will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Please know that these decisions are thoughtfully made choices based on immense amounts of research and training in the area of attachment and bonding and instruction from trusted adoption mentors. We will be doing what we believe is best to help her heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. Why are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our Hadley settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:

For those first few weeks or months home, we will be the only ones to hold her, give her food and drinks, and meet all of her physical and emotional needs. We will not allow anyone to babysit or watch her, not even for a few hours, for a while. She has had many caregivers in her life and it will take some time for her to become secure in the fact that we’re not going anywhere! We know how hard it will be for you in the beginning to not hug and hold her, give her food, or offer her a drink. We understand that you have waited and anticipated her arrival as much as we have, but we promise you that the reward will be great! Once she is securely attached to us, she will be able to give love to and receive love from all the other very important people in her life. How long this happens will depend on how quickly she adjusts and attaches (could be anywhere from a few weeks to many months).

You may see Hadley and think she is so friendly and adaptable and adjusting so well because she will happily go to anyone. This is actually a survival mechanism that children in orphanages pick up. They learn to be charming and cute towards adults to have their needs met and get what they want. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone – which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. We want her to turn to us when she is hurt, hungry, tired or sad, not just the closest adult around. Until she has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct her to us if you see that she is seeking out food, affection or comfort. In time, when she understands we are “her people” you will be encouraged to give out plenty of hugs, kisses and snuggles.

You may also notice that we parent her differently than we parent Olivia and Isla. It will probably look like we are babying and spoiling her. This is another way to build attachment. In the first several months of a baby’s life, you say “yes” to all of their demands. Yes, I will feed you…yes, I will change your diaper...yes, I will help you fall asleep. Without going overboard, we will be saying yes to as many things as possible so that she knows that she can trust us to meet her needs. We may also feed her a bottle, let her sleep in our bed, and in general, treat her like an infant. Even though she is almost one and a half, she has not had the opportunity to have the individual attention and eye contact that babies need so it is recommended that we continue to bottle feed, hold her (or wear her in the carrier), sleep with her, etc. to help her form an attachment and know we are there for her. There is a good chance that she will be strapped to me in the carrier for many months while we are out and around other people until she is comfortable and secure in her new environment. While these are things that I would not have done with Olivia and Isla at this age, it is appropriate and recommended in this situation. We thought it was important for you to know that there is a method to our parenting madness and we are not just babying or spoiling her.

This does not mean we do not want visitors or we want to be left alone. Actually the opposite is true. Please feel free to call and email regularly. I do not want to feel like a shut in, cut off from the outside world. I will be stuck at home with three little girls in the middle of winter and I would love some company. We would love for you to visit, bring food, take Olivia and Isla out to play or do something special, however, we ask that you call first and check that it is an appropriate time. We will also try to avoid large groups, crowds, and noisy situations as to not overwhelm Hadley.

Please don’t be afraid to ask question; we are not offended by the questions, but just know we might not give you the answer you expected or wanted to hear.

We want to thank you for the love and support you have already given all of us. We couldn’t ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our precious Hadley. From what we have already learned about the fact that she is in foster care, rather than an orphanage, we are optimistic about her ability to adjust and attach quickly to our family. We’d love it if you’d pray for her heart as she learns to trust and love us in return.

Please take a few minutes to read the attached article from the blog of another adoptive mom. I think she does a wonderful job clearing up and explaining some common misconceptions and thoughts about adoption.

Love, Katy and Aaron

Supporting and Understanding the Adoptive Family

Our children are not necessarily grateful to have been adopted. 
And we don't expect them to be. It is not that our kids don't notice the stability of a family. It's not that they don't cherish the love that they are receiving or that they don't like their new life. It is because children are programmed to need, want and expect love. When we provide it we are not heroes, we are simply meeting one of their very basic needs. Expecting adopted children to be grateful for being adopted is like expecting our biological children to be grateful for being conceived. It was a choice that we, their parents, made and that they were brought into. 

Please don't feed my kids. 
For children who have known hunger, food means love. We want them to learn to love us, their parents and siblings, before they bond with extended family, neighbors and friends. I know that they stare longingly at anything edible. I know that our two year old puts his head on the table and looks at you with puppy dog eyes. But since we were not there to meet their early needs (breast or bottle feeding, comforting them when they were sick, changing diapers, kissing boo boos) we need to make up for it by meeting as many of their physical and emotional needs as possible now. Many adopted children also have food insecurities. Some eat until they vomit and then start eating again. Others hoard food, needing the comfort of knowing that there is some saved for later. It is best to leave all feeding to the parents unless specifically directed otherwise.

Parenting an adopted child is hard work and we struggle.  
We may tell you that were okay when we're really falling apart. We're worried that if we are honest about how difficult it is that you won't understand and that you'll think we're nuts. Adding a child who may or may not have anything in common with us socially, culturally, biologically or even personality-wise is challenging. Though undoubtedly beautiful and worth all of the struggles, adoption certainly isn't always easy or pretty.

It is greatly appreciated if you choose your wording carefully, especially around our children. 
Yes, these are all our "real" kids (though sometimes it would be nice if all of my kids, adopted and biological, had "off" switches) and, in most situations, you probably do not need to specify whether you are talking about my "adopted kids" or my "biological kids". They are all my kids even if they joined us through different paths.

If you'd like to offer support (meal, help with house cleaning, etc) when an adopted child joins the family,  please do even if we don't reach out and ask.
Many of us won't specifically ask for help or tell you what we need. However, I don't know a single adoptive mom who would turn down an offer to have a group of friends tidy/clean her house during those first few weeks at home with a new child. Likewise, coffee and chocolate are most always welcome and might be exactly what a new adoptive mom needs to get through those challenging times of adjustment!

Please don't try to get our child to like you the most.
Attachment and bonding are challenging enough without having friends and family slip our children candy, shower them with gifts, offer seconds at meals or encouraging bending and stretching of family rules. We're already working our tails off to get them to like us. With consistency and time they will learn to like you too, I promise.

Our adopted children had lives before they joined our family. 
They had/have birth families and other relatives who are important to them and who deserve recognition and credit too. They have had life experiences that, while sometimes different than ours, are still special and valuable.

Be considerate of the types of questions that you ask about our child's background and personal history, especially in their presence and especially if they are old enough to understand.
Would it offend you if someone asked if you have AIDS, if you were abandoned, if your parents were drug users or how your parents died? If so, best not to ask these questions to someone else. We understand that it is normal to be curious and to wonder about the circumstances that led to a child's adoption. However, these are things that we discuss openly in our immediate family but not elsewhere. Our children may or may not choose to divulge more of their personal stories someday when they are older but they are THEIR stories and details to share, not mine.

Sometimes adopted children need to be parented differently than biological children. 
We are not spoiling them. We aren't making excuses for poor behavior. Rather, we are parenting a child whose background may be very dissimilar to anything we've experienced. A child who has been abandoned and who has a fear of abandonment shouldn't be sent to time out alone in another room. A child who is still attaching to their adoptive family may need to be firmly held while having loving, affirming words whispered into their ear during a full-blown tantrum. The types of consequences that work for other children might not work for a child who doesn't have the same sense of value of their possessions and who doesn't understand what it means to have privileges. As parents, we must be flexible to help meet the individual needs of our child even if it means that we do things a little differently sometimes.

If you would like to give a gift to our new child, please consider something small that the whole family can enjoy together.
A few ideas are a frozen meal, a gift card to the movies, a small ornament commemorating the adoption or art supplies for all of the kids to share. We know that you want to welcome our new additions but gifts can be overwhelming for children who have had few material possessions. Also, we want our children to learn to love you for who you are, not for the fact that they hope they'll get another gift the next time they see you again. Other siblings may also experience jealousy and resentment if the new addition suddenly receives an armory of gifts and they are excluded.

Attachment takes time and work.
It doesn't happen overnight. Even if it appears that our child is securely attached to us it may take many months or years and every child and every family bonds differently. Many times we're faking it until we make it but one day we will wake up and realize that we're not faking it anymore and that our love is deep and real.

Parents who have recently added a child through adoption need support, friendship, love and encouragement.
Even if we're somewhat withdrawn and spending a lot of time at home cocooning with our new addition we value our friendships. Please continue to check up on us and to email, text, call or stop by. If you were in our life before we still want you in our life and in the lives of our children! 

Please refrain from commenting on our child's appearance (specifically relating to ethnicity/race) in front of him or her.
All children want to feel included and to fit in. Pointing out how dark they are, how differently they look from the rest of us or how unique their hair feels only makes them feel like they stand out more.

Please do not ask adopted children if they like their new parents/family.
Adopted children do not usually get to hand pick their family. Adoption is similar to an arranged marriage and unique, sometimes very different people are brought together. With hard work and patience true love may grow. However, ask ANY child, biological or adopted (especially any older child!) if they like their parents and be prepared for some interesting answers!

It takes time to help children start to heal from a difficult past.
Just because they have been with us for a certain amount of time does not mean that the are "fixed". On the other hand, just because children are adopted does not necessarily mean that they will be any more difficult, defiant, less successful or anything else as teenagers or adults.

Educating your children about adoption and diversity helps my children. 
Talking openly about adoption, children who look different than one or both parents and other "nontraditional" family structures helps our children feel accepted and secure at extracurricular activities, church, school and elsewhere in our community.

Our new additions are not celebrities. 
We appreciate all of the love and support that we were shown during our adoption process and we know that everyone is excited to meet them. However, taking photos of just our adopted child or pouring attention on them while ignoring our other children is not healthy for anyone. The child who is receiving all of the attention often feels singled out and siblings quickly become resentful. 

Our children may be "delayed" when they join our family but often they just need time.  
Adopted children are placed into environments that may be very different than anything they've ever experienced. They may be overstimulated, confused and sometimes there are language barriers. With time and patience most emotional, intellectual and physical delays will be overcome. 

Please do not tell us how amazing we (parents) are because we have chosen to adopt. 
We know that this comment is usually intended as a compliment but our adopted kids are not burdens, charity cases or a community service project to be completed.  As parents we gladly invest the time and energy needed to ensure the happiness and well-being of any of our children. 

We may discourage physical contact with our child for the first several months that they are home or until we feel like they are securely attached to us.
Please do not insist on holding them, hugging them or having them sit on your lap. Many children who have lived in orphanages and institutions learn to fight for adult attention. Often they can put on quite the show and act like the most friendly, charming child to draw attention to themselves. While it may be cute and though it gives the false impression that they are well-adjusted and confident, it is very important that initially the parents are the only adults who help fulfill these children's need for physical affection. This also teaches healthy boundaries and is a safety consideration since no child, adopted or biological, should feel obligated to have close physical contact with someone that they do not know well.

We do not advertise our child's "cost".
If you would like to know how expensive our adoption process was, please ask when our children are not present, call after our kids are in bed or send us an email. Most adoptive families are happy to share our experiences and to provide helpful information but we do not ever want our children to feel like they were bought or that they are commodities. 

When the going gets tough please do not ask if we regret our decision to adopt or imply that "we asked for it". 
Few people would tell a sleep-deprived mother of a colicky newborn "well, you asked for this" and it would be considered rude to ask a new mother if she regretted her decision to have a baby. Just because something is difficult does not mean that we regret it. There are bumps in the road of every journey.

Even the happiest of adoptions are a result of challenging or difficult circumstances. 
Though we like to think of adoption as a "happy ending", birth parents may have made difficult decisions, children may have faced losses and many lives were forever changed. Though most adopted children grow to be happy, well-adjusted adults and though most adoptive families are beautiful and full of love, it is important not to romanticize adoption. 

And, most importantly:

No one is perfect.
If you slip and call our biological kids our "real" kids or if you've already asked "What happened to his mother?" we won't hold a grudge. We know that our family is different. We understand that it is impossible to be sensitive and politically correct in every situation all the time. These are ideas and suggestions, not commandments.

We appreciate that you care about our family. We cannot thank you enough for wanting to learn more about supporting and understanding the adoptive family and for helping make this transition as smooth as possible for all of us!

If you would like to read more about supporting adoptive families, adjustment and how you can help, "After the Airport" is a great blog post.  "I am not Super Mom: Ten things I want you to know about adoption" is another good read.

Article shared from another mom's blog:

The Kitchen is Not My Office

December 22, 2012

http://www.thekitchenisnotmyoffice.com/2012/12/supporting-and-understanding-adoptive.html

It's Been a Crazy Few Days

Our Article 5 paperwork was picked up on schedule last Tuesday, Dec. 3 and sent to Beijing to the China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption (CCCWA). This began our TA (Travel Approval) wait. The TA wait is usually 10-21 days with 16 being the average lately. This past Tuesday I saw a few fellow adoptive mom's in my Facebook group had received their TA and their Article 5s were picked up the same day as ours. I was shocked and excited and emailed our social worker right away to check on ours.  A while later my cell phone rang and caller ID said it was Birmingham, AL. Over the last few months I get butterfly's in my stomach every time my caller ID says Birmingham, AL. Our adoption agency's main office is located there. They have a local branch here in Louisville, which is so convenient and part of the reason we chose them as our agency. Our social worker Sarah only calls with good or bad news. She usually emails if it is just a question about paperwork or something. Anyway, when I saw caller ID I couldn't believe it! I quickly answered and Sarah told me we had received our TA! It had been only one week after we began our TA wait which I was hoping and praying would be closer to 14-16 days rather than the 20+ days some families are waiting. Who ever expected to get it in 7 days? She explained that we had the option to leave the following week and pick Hadley up Dec. 23. This meant we would be gone of Christmas, but we decided we would celebrate early and the girl's wouldn't really know the difference. Although I have already begun packing and preparing to leave the girls with family for two weeks, I was overwhelmed at the thought of leaving in 10 days. I didn't know what to do or where to begin so I did dishes and cleaned the kitchen. I finally got it together and called a travel agent that everyone in the adoption community raves about. He quoted some prices and it was not pretty. It was more that twice what we thought we would be paying for airline tickets. Apparently the few weeks leading up to Christmas are the most expensive time of the year to fly. He was even shocked by the prices. He explained if we could go a couple weeks later it would drop significantly so we decided to look into that. After talking with our agency and their contacts in China it was decided that would not work. There were closures in China the second week of January which wouldn't allow that plan to work. That pushed us back another week to our original plan we have had for months of leaving Jan. 3. Although we had a very short TA wait, we were still leaving the day we were originally planning on leaving. Flights ended up being even a little cheaper that week so it worked out for the best. I am praying for our sweet Hadley and hoping that she is being loved and well cared for and another couple of weeks ultimately won't make much of a difference. 

So the plan is we will leave on Jan. 3, have our Gotcha Day (the day you get your child) on Monday, Jan. 6 and come home on Thursday, January 16. Although I would have loved to pick Hadley up sooner this plan will work better for everyone. We have time to pack and organize the girls and house, get to celebrate Christmas with the family and hopefully wrap up the majority of our attic renovation before leaving the first week of January. 

I like having dates confirmed and airline tickets booked. Two very big things knocked off of my growing to-do list and about a million small things left. Up next, pick paint colors for the girl's new rooms, beg the pediatrician for prescriptions (I have been avoiding this one), try to unpack some of the million things I have packed to keep us under the 44 lb. weight limit, call the credit card and cell phone companies, buy baby Melatonin, cook meals to freeze, stock up on food and paper products to have on hand for the girls and our parents, etc, etc, etc. (On a side note, the last two times I have been in nesting mode while pregnant with the girls I always panic when the time is coming and insist on stockpiling paper towels, toilet paper and garbage bags. I have some weird phobia about my family running out of these things while I am gone or us coming home with a newborn/or in this case new toddler and running out of paper towels. Heaven forbid we have to drive to the store that is literally two minutes away and grab a roll. I will be stocked up for months just in case!) I think it is a control issue and one small thing I am able to control while the rest of my life feels so hectic. Our hands will be dry and our trash will be bagged, no need to worry about that! 

Sweet Hadley's Finding Ad

I was so excited to receive Hadley's finding ad in the mail today. When a baby is abandoned in China they publish an ad in the paper with a picture, a brief description of where the baby was found and the child's suspected birthday. Here is our sweet girl as a newborn. She is so cute!!

We are officially waiting on Travel Approval!!!

I woke up to an email from China that our Article 5 (a bunch of paperwork that is at the US Consulate in China) has been picked up and is on its way to the CCCWA (China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption). They will issue us our TA (travel approval) in the next 2-3 weeks and then within 48 hours we will have our consulate appointment (CA) scheduled where we will complete the US side of the adoption in Guanghouz the second week we are in China. Once we have our TA and CA scheduled we can book plane tickets and hotel rooms and leave for China. I can't believe that this long process that we started almost 15 months ago is coming to its end. Then the real fun and adventure will begin! Everyone prayer that our TA comes quickly and we are able to finalize plans before Christmas. I am worried that our adoption agency will be closed for the holidays and we will be set back a few days which would set us back another week or worse if we start to run into Chinese New Year which starts mid January. 

So as travel is quickly approaching I better start checking some things off my extensive to do list. First task at hand, beg our pediatrician for presciptions to take with us just in case. Up next, continue my extensive packing while avoiding drywall dust and two busy little girls, choosing paint colors, finish Christmas shopping, not to mention a quick trip to the chiroprator and dentist to get myself put back together before this trip happens. I think this will be a busy whirlwind the next few weeks around our house! Yikes!!

The Unknowns of Adoption

As we count down the weeks (hopefully less than six) until we board the plane and head to China to pick up our sweet baby girl, I am starting to get a little nervous. Just two years ago I was in a very similar place. I was eight months pregnant, had a wild and crazy toddler, we were packing up our old house and doing a major renovation on our new house, I wanted to decorate for the holidays and nest but didn't know which house we would be in and couldn't prepare a baby's room until two weeks before my due date. Today I am in much the same place. I am less than six weeks from having another child, we are in the middle of another major renovation, I have a wild and crazy preschooler and a wild and crazy toddler, I want to decorate for the holidays and nest, but I don't know who will be in what room and when the renovations will be done. I finally came to the conclusion today that it will all work out. Last time it was fine and this time it will be fine too! I am a planner and organizer by nature and if it were up to me I would have the baby's room decorated and fully stocked half a year before the arrival. I guess it is good for my type A personality to be tested and stretched to the limits in the more stressful times in my life.

The good news is I have set up a crib up in our bedroom. Baby Hadley will have a place to sleep when she comes home! I kept both of our other girls in our rooms the first four months or so of their lives so it is only natural/fair/appropriate that Hadley should have the opportunity to spend some time sleeping in our room with us too. Although I had considered this to be the plan I didn't like the idea of sticking her in a pack and play. It didn't feel right to me. I was hoping to bring Hadley home and have her sleep in her room, in her crib right from the start to limit the number of unnecessary transitions for her. This poor baby is only fifteen months old and already suffered more loss and more uncertainty/lack of stability than most adults. To add to her unknown past, we will pick her up spend one night in our hotel with her, drive four hours back and forth to her home town (eight hours total in the car in one day with a baby and no carseat. They don't use carseats in China), spend another three nights or so in that same hotel, then take an in-country flight from Taiyuan, Shanxi to Guangzhou where we will spend another week or so then take several more flights including one very long flight home, then strap her in a carseat to drive to our house, then stick her in a house, with other kids and animals she has never seen before. I am stressed just thinking about all of those transitions and I am an adult who knows what is happening and knows what to expect (as much as I can at this point). So at least I have a place for her to sleep (with a real crib, not a pack and play) until the uncertainty of our bedrooms/renovation situation settles down and we get the older girls settled in their new rooms and then when Hadley is ready she can move into her own room in her own crib where she will stay. Unless she wants to bunk up with one of her sisters which I hope is the case down the road. I would love for her and Isla to share a room. They will only be seven months apart so I hope one day soon they will want to share a room and lay together, giggling and staying up too late.

I have started packing which should be a whole other post! I am a planner and over-packer by nature. Everything I read from other adoptive parents says to travel light. While I see the freedom and ease in that and wish I could, I know it will not happen. I overpack for a morning trip to the zoo, a weekend at the lake, a week trip to the beach. All of these places there are American products for purchase within a few minutes. How could I not overpack in this situation where I am going to another country to pick up a child that I know almost nothing about? I do not know what size clothes or diapers to pack, is she walking, crawling, eating regular food, baby food, formula, drinking from a bottle or sippy cup, will she be sick, will I get sick from the food and water (not to be a pessimist but I am expecting that I will)? All of these uncertainties lead to only one thing....serious overpacking! My small pile of things in the corner of the closet is slowly turning into a mountain of things that is spilling over and taking up my entire closet floor. I realize there are Walmarts in China, but will they carry my favorite brand of sensitive wipes and diaper cream that my other girls with sensitive skin require? Will they carry my favorite name brand, organic sensitive infant formula I insist on using...most likely, no. I am feeling guilty enough that I am going to have to give this baby formula when my other girls were EBF for the majority of their infancy. I am going to overpack and I am proud of it! Check with me again in mid-January when we are back and I will tell you what you really should and shouldn't take on your adoption trip and I will let you know what I donated/left behind. Unfortunately the weight limit for in-country flights in China is only 44 lbs. per bag. This could make my overpacking very tricky! I am going to have to spend the next five weeks packing and repacking to distribute that weight evenly amongst all our bags. Add in there Thanksgiving, Christmas shopping and decorating, major home renovations and preparing to leave the girls for two weeks and I am going to be one busy, stressed mommy, but I couldn't be more excited for what's to come!!!

Hadley Hope ChenTing Higginbotham: Big name...little girl!

We have officially decided on a name. Actually, Aaron has finally decided he likes our original name choice. I knew on the night of September 9, 2013 when we received her referral and saw her picture for the first time, that we would name her Hadley. I laid in bed that night thinking about her and I knew her name was going to be Hadley. We have called her baby Hope for the last year so we thought that was a fitting middle name, but we also wanted to keep her Chinese name. So that means that this little, tiny girl is going to have a big, long name...Hadley Hope ChenTing Higginbotham!

On the paperwork front a lot has happened in the last few weeks. In my last post I explained that we were waiting on US Immigration to approve our i800. On Oct. 24 USCIS (US Immigration) received our i800 and began processing it. On November 6, I received confirmation over the phone that they had approved it and we got the i800 hardcopy in the mail on November 12. From there it is forwarded to the NVC (National Visa Center) where they assign it to the correct US embassy. They notify you by issuing a cable letter that states your case was sent to the US Embassy in China. We received our cable letter this yesterday, Thursday November 14 via email. The next step is the Article 5. This is the process for issuing our daughter a visa at the consulate in China. This process takes exactly two weeks. I hope our Article 5 documents are dropped of by a courier at the US Consulate in China on Tuesday, November 19 and then picked up on Tuesday, December 3. I don't know if Thanksgiving will slow us down at all, hopefully not. Once our Article 5 is picked up it is sent overnight to Beijing and couriered to the CCCWA (Chinese Center of Children's Welfare and Adoption). Once they receive our Article 5 we are in the wait for TA (Travel Approval). That takes anywhere from about 1-3 weeks. Once we have our travel approval we can look into plane tickets and finalize our plans. We are getting so close! The final step once we have our travel approval is getting a consulate appointment (CA) which is where we finalize the US side of the adoption the second week we are in China. Once we have a scheduled CA we can book our plane tickets and head to China!

Updates and Pictures

We were told that once we received our LOA (Letter of Acceptance) we could ask the orphanage for an update. We were allowed to ask 5-10 questions so of course took full advantage of this and thought of ten questions and asked for pictures and videos of our sweetie. We waited a few weeks and finally received our update. While I am grateful for any information or pictures we can get, I am disappointed with the results. None of our ten questions were addressed and the three pictures we got were taken the same day and time as our previous two videos that we already have. It doesn't give a very good picture of how she is growing and changing over these last few months since we already have video from the same day when she was 12 months old. We also received updated measurements which were clearly inaccurate. They said she has gained five pounds in less than two months, now weighing 22 lbs. Isla doesn't weight 22 lbs. at 21 months. There is no way that this little girl weights 22 lbs. at 14 months. Apparently they weight them fully dressed (and the Chinese tend to dress their babies in A LOT of layers) so maybe this poor baby had 4-5 lbs. of clothes on during her latest measurements.

Here are a few additional pictures of our sweet girl at twelve months (she is 14 months now).

Although we didn't get any new updated pictures we were holding out hope because a family we have met online through Facebook are in China right now picking up their son from the same orphanage. Yesterday they had a chance to visit the orphanage and were planning on checking in on our sweet baby girl and getting some pictures for us. We held out hope this would be our way to get an updated photo. I obsessively checked my Facebook page and email and heard back from them last night. There is good news and bad news. The bad news is they were not able to get a picture or see her because she was not at the orphanage. The good news is they were not able to get a picture or see her because she is not living in the orphanage, but rather she lives in a foster home! This is wonderful news that we had heard may be a possibility but they were able to confirm it for us. This means that our little girl will know what it is like to live in a house with the love of a family. This is very good news for all of the attachment and bonding that we hope comes quickly and naturally once we get her. Kids who are raised in orphanages never learn to bond and attach to one specific caregiver and therefore often have a lot of issue attaching once you get them home. While she will grieve harder for the loss of her foster parents once we have her, we hope she will be able to easily learn to trust us and turn to us to meet her needs and love her. I pray everyday that someone is showing her love, attention and she isn't seen as a burden to anyone. Now that I know she has a foster family I believe there is a great chance that she is being hugged, kissed, talked to and played with every day by only a couple of people rather than the numerous caregivers she would have in the orphanage.

We are still waiting on US Customs and Immigration to get the next set of paperwork (our i800) back to us so we can move on to the next. I am hoping we will have it by the end of next week.

Stay tuned for two exciting updates that I will blog about soon. We have finally chosen a name and we hope to receive her finding ad soon. I will tell you more about finding ads in a later post.

Thanks for reading!

LOA!!!!

On Tuesday we received our Letter of Acceptance (LOA) from China. This is one of the most important pieces of paperwork through this whole process and the one that you generally wait the longest for. I am happy to report that our wait was only 41 days. Many families wait an average of 2-3 months and some have waited 100+ days so we lucked out. This paper says that China approves us to adopt the specific child that we have been matched with. We quickly signed our LOA and overnighted it back to our agency. They received early afternoon on Wednesday and overnighted it along with our i800 paperwork to the USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services). The i800 finalizes the immigration process for our new daughter and allows us to bring her home. We hope to receive our i800 approval in the next 2 weeks. From there our information is sent to the National Visa Center (NVC) and then sent to the U.S. Embassy in Guangzhou, China, which is the city where we will spent our second week finalizing the U.S. side of the adoption. They first week will be spent in Tiayuan, Shanxi, China, which is the capitol city of the province our daughter is from with a brief day trip to Datong City, Shanxi which is where her orphanage is located.

Once our information is send to the NVC, there are a few more weeks of paperwork back and forth between the U.S. Embassy in China and the CCCWA (China Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption). Then hopefully in early December we will receive travel approval from China and a Consulate appointment for us to finalize things the second week we are there.  Once we receive travel approval we will be able to book our plane tickets and finalize our travel plans. It will be very last minute and we won't know our exact travel dates until a couple weeks before we leave at the most.

Hopefully the paperwork moves very quickly and we can have her in our arms before the New Year but there is a good chance we will leave for China on January 2 or 3.

Pray for our paperwork to move through all of the systems quickly and without any hold ups and pray for our sweet girl. I have talked with another family through a Facebook adoption group who are adopting a little boy from the same orphanage and they are on the flight to China right now to pick him up. They are going to try to visit the orphanage and check on our little one and get some pictures for us. Hopefully by the middle of next week we will have some new photos and updated information on our little girl. We are so grateful to this family for checking on her and can't wait to see the pictures of them with their new little guy and hopefully hear a good report about our sweetie. Thank you in advance Whichard Family for your generosity and good luck on Monday! (That is the day they will get their son, Evan. That day is known as "Gotcha Day").

We will keep you all up to date over the next few weeks as the paper work moves a little quicker through this point of the process. We will be boarding that LONG flight before we realize what hit us!

P.S. We are still trying to agree on a name. If you talk to my husband tell him to make a decision already!

Introducing Baby Girl Higginbotham!!!!

We officially began our adoption journey on September 21, 2012 when we submitted our application to our adoption agency. Almost a year later around 9:20 p.m. on September 9, 2013 we saw our daughter for the first time. And here she is....

(Our sweet girl at nine months old)

We are still trying to finalize a name so for now we will continue to call her Baby Hope. She is 13 months old. We hope to travel to get her in January or February of 2014. She will be 7 months younger than her big sister Isla and just over two years younger than biggest sister, Olivia.

We are all so in love and cannot wait until we can go get her and bring her home to meet her family. 

We are waiting on our Letter of Acceptance from China which can take anywhere from about a month to about 5 months. We know our Dossier (paperwork in China) has been translated which is the longest part of the wait so we are hoping to hear something in the next month or two. Please pray for our sweet girl. We will keep you posted once our LOA arrives. After that the paperwork moves quickly and traveling will be here before we know what hit us. 

Our journey to find Baby Hope

Well, I am finally getting around to my next blog post. I intended to be really good about updating but the last several months have been busy and there has not been a lot of news on the adoption front, until last week. I didn't want to post our bad news until I knew that it was going to be followed by good news so make sure you read all the way through (or skip to the end if you want). In my last post in June I shared that we were waiting for a match with a specific child. We were logged in the China's computer system (LID) on May 15. We were told that the wait for a girl under 18 months would be about 3-6 months. A few days later we got an email from our agency saying it would be more like 6-9 months. Wonderful! We were shocked on the morning of July 15 (exactly 2 months into our wait) when we received a call from our social worker saying they had a file for us to review and we had 48 hours to decide whether or not we wanted to accept it. We frantically started calling doctors to have them review the file and help us make a decision. Aaron and I could not decide one way or the other and neither of us had a strong feeling about what we should do. The little girl was 15 months old so she was a couple months younger than Isla, which is what we wanted. We went to bed Monday night confused about what our decision should be and we prayed that we would have an obvious sign as to what we should do. On Tuesday morning we received a call from our social worker who said that there had been a mix up with the new computer system in China and more than one agency, therefore more than one family, had been given this same file to review. They told us they would get back to us when the figured out who locked the file first. After talking with our doctors, we decided that if this child's file was available to us then we would accept it. I took this to be the obvious sign that we had prayed for the night before. We waited by the phone until the next day when we received a call from our social worker saying that another family had locked the child's file first. We were disappointed and upset but relieved to know that she had another family fighting to bring her home. Our social worker told us that we were on the top of the list and could expect another file in the next one to three months.

On August 8th we received another phone call from our social worker saying that there had been another glitch in the Chinese computer system and a file had been locked for us on Monday night and no one knew about it until that morning (Thursday). We were told we had 8 hours to decide. This computer system seemed to have it out for our family! We couldn't believe that this was happening to us again. The baby was around 11 months old but very small. She was very small at birth and was not growing as she should.  Our doctor diagnosed her as Failure the Thrive and explained that there would likely be serious complications down the road. After consulting with our doctors we decided that this child was not the right fit for our family.

Then, on August 29 we received another phone call form our social worker saying they had another file for us to look at. This time it was a partnership file with our agency so we had two weeks to make a decision and more detailed reports, pictures, and videos. This little girl was about 10 months old and had a severe cleft lip and cleft palate and was diagnosed with developmental delays. She was also very small. While the complexity and severity of the lip and palate were very concerning, we were more concerned with the diagnosis of developmental delays. All of the kids in orphanages have some delays from lack of opportunity, but this was likely more serious delays. Aaron and I both quickly realized that this baby was not meant to be our daughter and turned the file down within a few hours.

At this point we were beginning to feel very discouraged and felt as though we were being too picky and wondering if we would ever find our daughter. I reached out to some other parents in my adoptive Facebook group and got the immediate support and encouragement that I needed. I heard story after story of families turning down multiple file (some in the double digits). We knew we had made the right choices for our family but it is still very difficult. I still pray for those two babies and hope that they have found their forever families.

On Monday, September 9 the shared list came out in China and our agency locked a file for us. Around 9:15 p.m. I was laying in bed dozing off and my phone rang. It was Sarah, our social worker calling and she shared the news that they had another file for us to review. I walked into the living room, shared the news with Aaron and grabbed the computer to open the email. We both saw her and read the file and had a very good feeling about it. After researching her orphanage and talking with a few other families on my adoption Facebook group we went to bed. I was so excited I was planning the trip in my head. I was thinking about the details, the weather that time of the year, what I would pack, etc. Needless to say I didn't fall asleep for a few hours.

After talking with our doctors and specialist the following days, we were back and forth about what to do. Late Wednesday night we both finally agreed that we would accept the file and we sent our Letter of Intent (LOI) to our social worker who forwarded it on to China.

Mid morning on Thursday I received a call from our social worker that we had already received Prior Approval (PA). Usually PA takes about 2 weeks and in less than 12 hours were had been approved. At this point we were allowed to publicly introduce our daughter!

Apparently this is what you do when you are adopting

Well, I have started a blog. I don't necessarily think I am a good writer or have anything interesting to say, but apparently this is the best way to communicate with friends and family and keep everyone informed with the status of our adoption. Aaron will be embarrassed with my typos and question whether or not I proofread anything I type, for this I apologize ahead of time. I am just typing quickly to share and inform and may not always catch my mistakes. This blog is private, by invitation only, so if there is a friend or family member who is interested in following our adoption journey than please let me know and I would be happy to add them. I thought it was best to keep it private since I will be posting pictures of the girls and details about our adoption trip.

If there is anyone reading this who doesn't already know, we are adopting a little girl from China. We have not been matched with a specific child yet and are currently waiting for a referral (a match with a specific child). We started the adoption process last September and have been working diligently ever since. It is a long process with lots of paperwork and even more waiting.

We submitted our application for adoption Sept. 21, 2012. This was a very lengthy and detailed application with all sorts of personal information. China is one of the pickiest countries to adopt from, with a long list of pre-qualifications. Once accepted by our adoption agency, Lifeline, out of Birmingham (they have a local office in Louisville too), we went through the homestudy process which consisted of four visits with our social worker over about 10 weeks. During that time we both wrote detailed personal biographies, completed hours of education and training and had our house, finances and personal lives closely examined. Not to mention the physicals with our doctor, multiple sets of fingerprints, state and FBI background checks and hours spent gathering documents and paperwork. Once our social worker completed and wrote up our twenty-something page homestudy report, we mailed it off to U.S. Immigration. After about a month and a set of biometric fingerprints, we received our i800-A approval, permitting us to bring a child home to the U.S. Next, we sent our Dossier, a set of 13 documents which are sent to the county, state and federal level for authenticating, off to China. After several weeks we were logged in to China's computer system which means we are eligible to receive a referral for a child. Once our agency gets a child's file that matches our criteria we are interested in, we will receive the file from our social worker and have 72 hours to have the file reviewed by international adoption doctors before accepting or passing on that file.  That is where we wait currently. We are waiting for the phone call from our social worker that could come today or in six months. Please pray it comes sooner rather than later and it is clear whether or not the file we receive is one we are meant to accept.

So, many of you have asked when we will travel. We have no idea at this point. It will be several months at the soonest. If we received a referral tomorrow, it would still probably be close to five to six more months before we traveled to China to bring our baby home. There are a lot of steps that go on between us, the U.S. government and the Chinese government before you have permission to travel and adopt a child. We will keep you all informed but we probably won't have any updates any time soon. It is a very long and drawn out process with a lot of unknowns. There are about fifteen steps in the adoption process and we are on step 7-8.

Hopefully we will have exciting news to share soon. We will keep you all posted. Please pray that our baby Hope (That is her name for now. We are waiting to learn her Chinese name before deciding on her name.) is being well cared for, fed and loved until we can bring her home.

Thanks for reading!

Katy